What Children of Annulment Really Feel

What Children of Annulment Really Feel

  • Posted by Mary's Advocates
  • On August 7, 2023
  • 7 Comments

Has anyone else, like me, been miffed when tribunal personnel seem to whitewash the effect their affirmative nullity of marriage sentence will have on children? Diocesan websites figuratively pat children on the head and say, “you don’t need to feel bad; an annulment doesn’t make you an illegitimate child.”  Alexander Wolfe, an adult child of divorce, describes what adult children of divorce really feel when a tribunal says their parent’s marraige was invalid. He earned his Masters from the JPII Institute, works in the Office of Marriage for the Catholic Diocese of Arlington, and is retreat leader for Life-Giving Wounds program for adult children of Divorce.

“In my mind, I’m part of this beautiful Catholic family. Then all of a sudden it’s breaking down, but no just breaking down. There wasn’t a marraige in the first place.” … “These memories of being in a Catholic family. Are they real?” … “(children of divorce) want the Church to say ‘no! Marriage is for life.’.” 

Watch Alexander’s full discussion with Dr. Margaret McCarthy (professor at the JPII Institute in D.C.) hosted by Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse of the Ruth Institute: Children of Divorce Find Healing (ep. 195).

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7 Comments

Mary's Advocates
The grounds for annulment are relevant to what happened at the time of courtship and wedding day. If your Dad looked, acted, and considered himself a normal man at the time of the wedding, then what he did decades later is irrelevant. No matter how crazy life becomes, I work to remember that God promises to bring good out of all things for those who love him (Rom. 8:28).
Fliss
My parents' marriage got anulled when my dad 'transitioned' sex. This was devastating. Wasn't the church saying that my dad had indeed always been a woman and therefore could not have been legitimately married to another woman? That he had tricked my mum by pretending to be a man? If so, how was I born? This was in the UK not US. It was actually my mum that wanted the anullment, I think to really sever ties as she was ashamed of the situation. I felt like I was being aborted. That the church was inadvertently supporting the view my dad was always a woman was utterly bizarre.
John Marcucci
I understand this, believe me. I was married 32 years ago and fathered six children with my wife, before she left me for a life of wage earning, social media, and a cat. If I sought an annullment now, I would have to break every mirror I owned , and I could not look my children in the eye. No thanks.
John FARRELL
great post, Peter Purgatory.
Peter Purgatory
Anna - I believe the reason that most leave the Church is because of divorce. Just so you know, there are guys out here like me. My wife abandoned and divorced me 4 years ago. We had eight children together. I still wear my ring. My wife? She's moved in with her boyfriend and my children with his children. Do I think my kids will somehow get through this and remain Catholic? I think the only possibility is if they see me living faithfully until death. I'll pray for you. Your story is depressing. And it reminds me of the hell my children have been put through.
Mary's Advocates
Thank you Anna. There is a question of whether your father TRULY put you through a fraud of a marriage. A professor from the University of Notre Dame defended the validity of his marraige against a local tribunal that decided he and his wife never had a valid marriage. He won on appeal to the Holy See and published a book about his findings. He found that more than 90% of the USA annulments that were granted for supposed psychological reasons were overturned on appeal. See https://marysadvocates.org/research/catholic-annulment/#What_God_Has_Joined_Together_by_Robert_Vasoli_14

Furthermore, even when a Catholic tribunal finds a marriage invalid the tribunal is supposed to decide the parties' obligations toward each other and their children. When the no-fault divorce courts make that determination, there is no expectation for the one who perpetrated the fraud to repair damage as much as possible.
Anna
Hello. I am not sure you can help; however, as an adult child of an annulled marriage, I am consistently puzzled as to why my father and stepmother are STILL surprised that I am not a practicing Catholic. Let me back up. My father had his 25-year marriage to my mother annulled, and while I understand that my brother and I are not bastards in the eyes of the Church, it still left a bad taste in my mouth. Although I did attend Catholic school for eight years, I have never been a practicing Catholic. I am 51, by the way. I have always supported my father's beliefs and have not been argumentative about his value system. They are not mine, and while I have many reasons to support my position, I am increasingly annoyed he takes no responsibility for the fraud of marriage he put us through. How can he not think that was a "bad example" of what is meant to be "husband and wife?". They had their ups and downs and provided a good life for us. In my eyes, it was simply a selfish gesture to want to be wed for the second time in the church that prompted the annulment without considering any ramifications on us, his children. Any thoughts? Thank you.

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