From:
Bai Macfarlane
Mary's Advocates
To:
Rose Sweet
Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide
February 2, 2016
Not True Father and Son
Valid Father and Son
|
Dear Rose,
I am bringing to your attention observations and questions about your Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide and public statements. Throughout this letter, I reference the Dad shown in the photo on the left who represents any validly married person. The other picture only suggests a father and son. Those with valid marriages are like the real father and son; no judgment by anyone can make that man NOT the boy's father, even if the boy were to grow up to be a rebellious, selfish criminal, or that the Dad were to develop Alzheimer's. It is inappropriate to speak to a real father about his son as if he never had a son; as if there was only a messy magic marker drawing that was never a son at all. |
"Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide." Part 3 - Session 11 - Loving All Church Teaching. Minute 3:28 - 3:38
1. Non-Catholic Origins are at Core of Your Series. Grave Evil of Divorce is Absent.
On the Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide DVD's you say, after 12 years of Catholic education, "only today do I see how much I did not know, and how much more there is to learn" (excerpt left). From the archives of the www.rosesweet.com website, I see in 2007 you publicized that you were one of the experts on the "Divorce Care" DVD series. In this series, there is no Catholic understanding of the indissolubility of marriage.
The content in your Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide from Christopher West about Theology of the Body would be beneficial to any audience, as would be the contributions from Dr. Guarendi and Fathers Pacwa, Calloway, and Porter.
One concern is that I can find no mention in the Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide of the Church's teaching on divorce: divorce is immoral and a grave offense against nature and only tolerable in limited circumstances as defined in canon law. For those with valid marriages, separation (for no grave fault) is against nature and divine law. For a person with an invalid marriage, canon law shows someone should still uphold his material obligations toward the other and the children (c. 1689). With civil no-fault divorce, the party responsible for the break-up is routinely rewarded rather than held responsible to uphold obligations toward the other spouse and children. Crisis Magazine says that "no-fault divorce is Western civilization's most disasterous social experiment."
For the Dad in my photograph, divorce violates the son's natural right to be raised in an intact home with his parents who are married to each other. His son loses the benefit of both parents contributing their share of work (mutuum adiutorium) to support one home. In almost all cases, even if the Dad was a good husband and father, the son loses the every-day interaction with his Dad that the son needs and deserves.
From your "Personal Survival Guide" book
Below are shown excerpts from the book provided to attendees in your Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide program.
page 90 And if you owe money to the other parent for child support, pay it.
page 98 Avoid court if you can. Be willing to lose... in order to win. That's what Jesus did: paradoxically, he was willing to lose in order to win. He subjected himself to suffering, humiliation, even death, because of something greater that He knew would come from it. Scripture says that if you're on your way to court, you should settle before you get there (Matthew 5:25). Make a list of all your assets, and then be generous and yielding with your ex-spouse. Even when it's not fair. Sometimes you'll need a lawyer for complex issues, but even then, if your attorney or others try to urge you into a drawn-out battle, let it go. Give in. Trust God to restore what you have lost.
page 100 Know when to fight or not. Some people avoid court for the wrong reason: they are afraid. They don't want to face reality, don't want to spend the money, don't think they can do it all on their own. But sometimes you need to get a good attorney or on a limited basis. Every situation is different. Pray for the virtue of prudence; know when and when not to go to court.
page 106 End unnecessary battles. Ask God for the grace to heal old thought patterns and to heal any deep emotional wounds that keep you from trusting in His providence and his justice. When the battles are lingering make a clear decision to initiate an end, go ahead and settle. Do it today. You'll never regret it.
2. Teaching Viewers to Cooperate with Divorce
When you teach your audience to consent to divorce (excerpts shown left), without acknowledging that most divorce in the U.S. is forced on one spouse who has done nothing grave to justify separation, your program sounds uncatholic. The Dad in my picture is ill-equipped to defend his family against unjust no-fault divorce. They dismiss the husbands (or wives) one-at-a-time, and these husbands need the Church to help stop the evil, not to teach them to cooperate with it.
- Civil divorce is the process whereby separations are put in effect in the civil forum. For those who had a Catholic marriage ceremony, separations are supposed to be in accord with divine law per canon 1692 §2. If the Dad in my photograph signs a divorce agreement when there is no morally legitimate reason for separation of spouses, he is agreeing to a plan that is contrary to divine law. If he signs a plan that causes grave material harm to his son or gives his son scandal, he is being coerced into hurting his whole family.
- For those who had a Catholic marriage ceremony, because marriage involves the public good, the Chancery's Promoter of Justice is supposed to be consulted about separation (canon 1696).
- Scripture teaches that when one has a dispute, "How can any one of you with a case against another dare to bring it to the unjust for judgment instead of to the holy ones? ... I say this to shame you. Can it be that there is not one among you wise enough to be able to settle a case between brothers? But rather brother goes to court against brother, and that before unbelievers?" (1 Corinthians 6:1, 5-6).
The Dad in my photo, has to weigh whether or not to capitulate to the coercive civil system by signing a divorce agreement that he knows is immoral and hurtful to his children who have a natural right to an intact home.
"Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide" Part 3. Session 10. Relearning How to Date. Minute 2:50 - 5:00
3. One Entire Session is about Dating Again. Program Discusses Annulment.
Absent from the Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide is any encouragement for the person who is in a valid marriage. The divorced in the session talk about the healing process of annulment. Grounds for annulment are not mentioned.
Canon 1060 shows "Marriage possesses the favor of law; therefore, in a case of doubt, the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven."In a program marketed for divorced Catholics, it would be heartwarming for the validly married Dad in my picture to hear about the chivalry exhibited by a faithful husband, as exemplified by Hosea toward Gomer in the Old Testament, and Jesus on the Cross. He would also be encouraged to learn of a divorced couple that later reconciled.
From your Website, Annulment
Should I pray for my ex spouse?
Yes and no. We always pray for those we love, but it easily slip into a self-righteous way of reminding God how bad the other person is and how much they need His salvation! Hey, we ALL do. Long, continued prayers for someone who hurt us may indicate we need to stop for awhile and pray for our own humility. One, heart-felt commending of that person to God is often actually enough.
4. Only Pray Once for the "Ex-spouse"
I appreciate that, as Christians, we should not brood over injuries (1 Cor. 13:5). What do you mean by problematic long and continued prayers (shown left)? If someone prayed twice a day for the rest of his life, would that be problematic? Are you saying such a person lacks humility?
For the Dad in my picture, it would be a spiritual work of mercy for him to bear wrongs patiently, pray for his wife who forced their family through no-fault divorce, and to admonish the sinner. In the Diary of St. Faustina, she wrote about how Satan tried to get her to stop praying for souls in need of His mercy.
Did you see former Roman Rota Judge, Msgr. Cormac Burke's article "The Object of Matrimonial Consent: A Personalist Analysis," wherein he describes the impact the man's faithfulness may have?
What can one say of the really shipwrecked marriage where for instance one of the spouses reneges on his or her conjugal commitment and walks out on the other? ... If that fidelity is maintained, moreover, it may in God's providence act as a call to repentance, as a force of salvation, for the unfaithful spouse, perhaps in his or her very last moment on earth - when one's definitive "bonum" is about to be decided.Msgr. Cormac Burke's book, "The Theology of Marriage" was just published by Catholic University of America.
Extracted from https://youtu.be/MYO9keRcx-4, Catholic Answers
5. Standards for Judging Validity - Suitability
In a 2015 radio interview, you answered a question from a caller who wanted to know why the Church doesn't have the bride and groom answer the questions about validity of marriage before they marry, rather than years later (if they were to divorce). Before presiding at a marriage, canons 1066 and 1067 require the pastor to ensure that it must be evident that nothing stands in the way of a marriage's validity. Priests have been doing these investigations for decades, asking parties if they intend the essential ends and properties of marriage. The vows themselve make it obvious that orientation toward the good of the spouses does not mean freedom from rough times (i.e. good times and bad, sickness and health).
In your answer, you sounded like the investigation of invalidity of a marriage focuses on suitability of the parties. Suitability may make a marriage more or less conflict-prone in early years. It is not relevant to the validity of the marriage, unless one was the other's cousin, or one was in error about a principally intended quality that was the cause of the contract (c. 1097), or one maliciously deceived the other (c. 1098). Did you have any canons in mind when when you answered "suitability?"
An American tribunal was corrected by the Roman Rota for mistakenly granting an annulment to a woman who argued that she made a "wrong" or "poor" choice for her spouse. The U.S. tribunal erred in giving her an annulment based on a grave lack of discretion of judgement (as in canon 1095 §2).
Cardinal Edward Egan who was one of the six editors working for Saint Pope John II, taught in the Scholarly Journal of the Roman Rota, that "The vast majority of adults are capable of a valid marriage, and the vast majority of marriages are therefore valid."
The Prefect of the Supreme Tribunal of the Signatura, Cardinal Raymond Burke, taught in 2011, the exclusion of the good of the spouses (bonum conjugum) "cannot be used as a kind of net in which is placed any kind of difficulty in the marriage that is then construed as being against the good of the spouses."
From Your Website, CatholicDivorce/Annulment
Despite heartfelt and good intentions, some people simply aren't able to live up to the vows they exchange, due perhaps to an addiction, severe immaturity, or some grave pressure such as an out-of-wedlock pregnancy
Some people who attempt to marry are extremely immature and--in a sense--may truly be unable to marry the way the Church requires.
Maybe one spouse was married before and not free to marry again. Or one was grossly immature, under age, under grave fear or pressure to marry (shotgun weddings), severely addicted, or refused to remain open to the gift of children.
For the last forty years, however, our culture has produced some of the most immature, selfish, entitled, addicted, and depressed "adults" who married too soon or for the wrong reasons, or who were utterly incapable of living out a sacramental marriage.
You do not have to seek an annulment if you do not plan to remarry. But please don't deprive yourself and others of a beautiful gift out of lack of knowledge and misunderstanding.
6. Standard for Judging Invalidity - Immaturity
From your website, it seems you suggest that immaturity is a basis for a decree of invalidity of a marriage.
Did you see the following?
- Dean of the Roman Rota criticized using "insufficient human maturity understood in a general way" as a grave lack of discretion of judgement for canon 1095 §2
- Saint Pope John Paul's 1987 Address to the Roman Rota criticized the exaggerated use of immaturity as a reason for invalidity
- Pope Benedict XVI's 2009 Address to the Roman Rota, described the scandal being given to the faithful when immaturity is used as a ground for invalidity
- Roman Rota judge Msgr. Kenneth E. Boccafola (retired in New York) in 2012 said one of the primary reasons that cases arriving at the Roman Rota are overturned is the use of immaturity as a grounds for nullity (Ponce, introduction)
- Bishop Michael Sheridan of Colorado Springs said in 2013 that the most overused and missused ground for invalidity in the U.S.A. is canon 1095 §2.
From Your Website, CatholicDivorce/Annulment
If a competent tribunal has made a thorough and proper investigation—which always goes to a second court for review—and has found the marriage to be invalid, then a faithful Catholic should obediently accept the authority of the Church tribunal as he/she would accept the decision of Christ. As Catholics, the answer is not about how we interpret laws, or how we feel, it's about surrendering in obedience to the authority Jesus gave His Bride, the Church. Even when it seems unjust.
Sometimes it hardly seems right or fair! This is a complicated cross to bear, but not impossible with grace, and one that can be spiritually fruitful. Obey the church; trust God.
7. Don't Challenge if Decision of Invalidity Seems Unfair
You appear to be biased when you only describe the person who thinks a judgement is unfair when the tribunal judges a marriage to be invalid (shown left). Who would it bother if a person continued to remain faithful to a marriage which he believed was valid, even though a tribunal judged otherwise? He's giving scandal to no one. However, scandal would be given by the person who disregards an annulment decision upholding his marriage, who thereafter chooses to enter a second union.
Do you know that Bishop Robert Morlino of Madison WI, said in a 2015 EWTN interview that U.S. tribunals have been abusing the law for fifty years, by granting annulments contrary to the truth. If Bishop Morlino is correct, a party aggrieved by an unfair decision of invalidity could be serving Christ's Church by making recourse to the Church authorities that can correct any unjust practices.
Did you see Pope Benedict's teaching in his 2009 Address to the Roman Rota?
No one can fail to see that there continues to be a concrete and pressing problem in this regard. In some cases, unfortunately, one can still perceive the urgent need to which my venerable Predecessor pointed: that of preserving the ecclesial community "from the scandal of seeing the value of Christian marriage being destroyed in practice by the exaggerated and almost automatic multiplication of declarations of nullity, in cases of the failure of marriage, on the pretext of some immaturity or psychic weakness on the part of the contracting parties." (Benedict quoting JPII)In 2014, Cardinal Raymond Burke, the Prefect of the Supreme Tribunal of the Signatura, taught that both before and after the 1983 code was published, the Signatura saw many poor quality decisions from the U.S. tribunals.
"Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide." Part 3. Session 10. Relearning How to Date. Minute 26:20 - 26:50
Personal Survival Guide, page 132: Consider staying single. I know some have already made a decision to remain single, perhaps wisely or perhaps simply out of fear or hurt. Think about it; pray about it; talked about it with a therapist or Spiritual Director. But don't let shutting the door on a new marriage make the children the center of your life or your reason for living - - that's idolatry. And it will hurt your kids in the long run. |
8. "Staying Single" and Not Finding a New Partner is Challenged
In the section about relearning how to date, you discuss the option of staying single (shown left). This is inappropriate language for Catholics because after divorce your viewers are not single. I think it is reasonable to figure that no viewers in your audience already have a decree of invalidity of their marriage. Therefore, your viewers are married and canon law says that all marriages must be presumed valid until proven otherwise (c. 1060).
When a viewer takes the default position favored in canon law, you tell him to see a therapist or spiritual advisor. Would you consider reversing your teaching? The person who goes against the default position in canon law should be checking with a spiritual advisor, not the person who is comfortable adopting the position in canon law.
Why do you warn parents against making the children the center of their lives? Being a devoted parent does not mean the Dad in my picture makes his children more important than God. If his wife abandoned him, it could easily be the most virtuous thing for him to do for multiple reasons: a) he's already married to the woman that divorced him; b) his son needs him more than ever because his wife is temporarily morally lost; and c) there is not enough energy to go around for maintaining a household by one's self, working, and being a parent. Can you see how it sounds like you are insulting this Dad, telling him he's doing something wrong?
From you "Personal Survival Guide" book
DIVORCE SHOWS AS ENDING A MARRIAGE page 122 And if your divorce isn't final you're still married! page 83 [The kids] will be terribly confused and anxious (whether you realize it or not when you still play it being married. Get some counseling on this is necessary. page 84 Do you expect him or her to be different than when you were married? page 57 there may be problems with your ex page 57 issues with your ex page 57 change your ex page 72 Your ex is no longer your spouse, and your expectations of him or her need to change; otherwise you will still be emotionally married ... and that is a miserable place to be. page 83 Redefine your ex. page 83 In God's perfect order we are not meant to be ex spouses, but in a fallen world we need to come up with a way of seeing the other person that is loving and appropriate but not as a spouse. page 83 This will help avoid confusion for you, your ex-spouse and your children. page 84 Make a list of all the things you expect from your ex and take it to your spiritual director a therapist or God in prayer page 150 Ask God to show you false idols for example, how you may have tried to get all your needs met through your ex wife or your children and then seek forgiveness from him for doing so.
ONLY MARRIAGES THAT ARE DISCUSSED ARE FUTURE MARRIAGES, NOT EXISTING ONES page 122 If you can't marry then you can't date. If you're not ready in every area of your life to marry (and that includes the church in annulment, then you have no business dating. page 126 And when you are assessing a person as a possible spouse, make sure those list list virtues not body parts or bank accounts. page 133 Avoid playing at marriage. Playing at marriage is really easy to slip into. It can include pizza together, watching videos of the family, even going to church together - - but it can also move to sleeping together, hiding, sneaking, lying. page 134 ...more I had to learn. Why sex outside marriage ultimately hurts. page 126 Make a list of all the things you desire in a spouse, and all the things you can't stand.
THEOLOGY OF THE BODY GENERALITIES page 146 Or they again look to remarriage as the answer to all their problems. Many people seek a love that is fiery, passionate, and wild. But marriage is not our destiny; heaven is. Marriage is made to show us the way to get to heaven, to enjoy a little taste of love, security, warmth, and passion that will be totally fulfilled beyond our wildest imagination for all eternity. page 121 Guard your hearts and mind. If married love and sex are something that point you to a heavenly reality and a deeper love for God, who do you think wants to keep you from that? page 114 sex is meant for... And that can only exist in marriage between one man and one woman page 118 Christ redeems his bride... Maybe now, from understanding this spousal analogy, you can see where real love and romance come from, and why we all long for romance in which the one who loves us never leave us, never forsake us, and, if necessary, would die for us. page 156 A loving husband God would never let his bride fall to any harm. Although the spousal analogy and Scripture is the most frequently used picture of the love of God for us many other pictures are provided of how God loves us.
9. "Personal Survival Guide" book uses Secular Language Throughout
You say in the beginning of the 158-page Personal Survival Guide book that it "is a short summary of the series to help readers remember key points from every show." To the left are copied every instance I could find of these words: married, marriage, ex, and spouse. Don't be surprised if I missed a few.
Nowhere could I find you acknowledging the possibility that a viewer is truly married to the person from whom they are separated or divorced. You always refer to the previous partner as the ex-spouse, or other parent. The only time I could find the word marriage, spouse, or marry was when you referenced a future spouse or the Theology of the Body.
All these statements are inapplicable and even insulting for the Dad in my picture. If his wife were sick in the hospital in a coma, we wouldn't say she was his ex-spouse, or that his being emotionally married is a miserable place to be.
I think a Catholic divorce program must recognize that some in the audience have a marriage like the stick figure picture above, and were never actually married. In those situations, there is no such thing as an ex-spouse, because that term implies that the person was at one time a spouse, and changed to become an ex-spouse.
Would you please use Catholic vocabulary? Your viewers include those who are truly married and those who were never married. Both can benefit from the Theology of the Body, reading the Catechism, prayer, and good spiritual direction. Depending on the responsibility your viewers had for the breakup of their marriage, some may be obligated to reconcile with their spouse, in order to properly partake in Eucharistic Communion.
Sincerely Yours in Christ,
Bai Macfarlane
